EPIC boxes are, as the name suggests, our absolutely most EPIC candy subscription. Our EPIC box is the premium choice for the candy connoisseur, for our most discerning customers who demand nothing less than a regular monthly supply of masterfully curated Asian candies which will delight, excite, stimulate and arouse your gastronomical sensibilities. We are confident this is the best value box of candy you will find anywhere, each containing a full kilogram of delectable candy.
Witnessing a giant box of candy has always appealed to me in the same way that the smell of bacon appealed to my dog - I get all excited, my mouth starts drooling and I start wagging my tail uncontrollably. The idea of having it delivered to me though, seemed kind of silly. I mean, if I wanted to express my rabid support for the recreational sugar industry I'd buy candy at the grocery store right away so I can satisfy that itchy achy feeling in the back of my teeth instead of waiting for it to be delivered in the mail.
Then, a colleague of mine, Jimmy, went ahead and ordered this giant box of candy from one of those fancy candy box subscription services. He said it was called the EPIC box and he paid 39 CAD a month for a “mystery box of exotic asian candy shipped right to his doorstep”.
I teased my friend a bit after he placed the order, while biting the head off a locally-sourced sour patch child. He said that I would regret not buying it together with him, because he wasn’t sharing.
Turns out, he was right.
When the candy arrived at the office, he opened it in front of everybody so excited like a little boy who just received a giant box of candy.
Upon opening the package, the vast array of assorted exotic candy from Asia burst out of the box like a Skittles rainbow on steroids. Every single item out of that box looked like pure flavor city with mini flavor towns, and watching Jimmy plunge his selfish teeth into the plump and juicy Kiwi Hi-Chew made me want to punch him right in the face.
Then, he impulsively decided to open up another stick of candy, this time the highly complex yet easy to love Puccho – the “gummy within a gummy” Inception-style chewy bonbon. While not illegal, it is usually not recommended to abandon an unfinished stick of candy to pursue another flavor. Your colleagues might wonder why you did not do the right thing and ask them to help.
I looked in my drawer at a bag of candy I bought at the supermarket, and I felt nothing but resentment. Stupid bag of domestic candy, why can’t you be exotic and sexy with a perky butt like a Kororo? These domestic sour patch body parts just do not satisfy, certainly not the way Tokuno 8.2 does. Eating a Tokuno 8.2 concentrated milk candy can only be described as experiencing a gentle but sexually-charged caress of a milk angel.
Damn you Jimmy. Looks like I’m getting the EPIC box too.